Man-Crushing Dubya

"You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig."---Blondie

If there is one thing Republicans and Democrats can all agree on, it’s that George W. Bush evokes strong feelings. For the Deaniacs this is usually rage. The kind of rage that erupts in a loud and awkward scream, that causes your voice to crack, and your Presidential ambitions to sink. But for 59 million Americans, the opposite is true. I for one, have a giant man-crush on our President.
Before you argue that President Bush opposes man-crushes, it’s not what you think. A man-crush is a completely “heteronormative” crush that straight men develop on other straight men. Although we don’t always acknowledge it, a man-crush is that thought we all have when we come across a complete bad ass. It’s that urge to go drinking with Sinatra, or to go whoring with Clinton. With Dubya, I want 8 hours on the Ranch with a chainsaw and some brush to clear. I am “man-smitten.”
First of all the guy got the most out of his liver for 30 years. He knows how to have a good time. What’s extraordinary, however, isn’t the fact that he used to get hammered at Camp David; it’s that one-day he finally got a hangover and quit…for good. It takes a stud to walk away from booze and nicotine and…booze and not come back. That takes will power. The type of will power a President needs in order to topple dictators, democratize continents, and not challenge Jacques Chirac to a duel.
Secondly, unlike most other great politicians, he isn’t completely full of shit. We now this because he doesn’t snowboard, play the guitar, ride a Harley, and listen to rap music like Kerry. He likes clearing brush, and he doesn’t care what America thinks about it
Furthermore, he says what he thinks, even if its’ not always comprehensible to some. Bush speaks in words that baffle some people, like vegans, socialists, feminists, yankees, and other “word-nazis” that govern our of political discourse. But real men understand him perfectly. On Bin Laden’s whereabouts, “He ain’t leading any parades I can tell you that.” On Iraqi insurgents, “Bring it on.” On his lumber business, “need any wood?” Even when he stumbles into incoherent babbling men understand him because of the confident smirk. It reads:
We’re America. We’re the best country in the world, and you know it. We have the best economy, the best government, the most generous people, and an over-active conscience. And we have no patience for dictators, terrorists, thugs, insurgents, or any other politically correct term for “bad-guy.” And after we kick their ass, we’ll spend even more time and effort to get them back on their feet so they can be just as free as we are.
Some people complain that he sounds and acts like a cowboy as if that were a bad thing. In their logic “the Man with no Name” and Rooster Cogburn would not have been good Presidents. But I want a leader who isn’t afraid to say, “Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!” when challenged by a thug. Although effete Frenchmen like Bernard-Henry Lévy oppose this type of behavior, he represents folks who are so removed from reality that they call themselves “philosophers” and never learn how to drive a car.
With Bush, it really is, “you love him or you hate him.” And although I know a good number of rational well-adjusted people that dislike Bush for good reasons (isolationism doesn’t count), most of them are driven by pure emotion; the type of emotion that drives them to pee in my car because it has a Bush/Cheney 04 bumper sticker on the back. And before I claim that my support for the president is based on a calm and objective analysis of the merits of Social Security reform, I need to throw on some Lee Greenwood and plan our future “man-date.”

Next—Man-Crushing my favorite Atheist European, Christopher Hitchens